Corporate Clown Pillows

'Maybe you should reconsider those place cards, Ms Harris?' (Negotiation talks/Good Guys/Bad Guys)

Performance Management: "Jump!"

'Yes, that will work as an elevator pitch...if your potential client works in a skyscraper...'

They laid off half the staff and installed a mirror, hoping no one would notice.

'It's simple, really - unless and until all our demands are met, we keep crying.'

"Take a course or something. Learning at your own speed isn't working out."

"Experience is the wonderful knowledge that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again."

'I know it's difficult to stay in compliance, with everything, Ferguson, but this is ridiculous!'

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

'Keep practicing, Johnson. You have to learn to jump through all of them at the same time.'

'Never mind the dramatics, Watkins. Just read the treasurer's report.'

There now, that wasn't too difficult was it!

'Yes, I agree. But what really caught my attention is what the boss ISN'T saying!'

'I don't care if you are the CEO of a large oil company, you can't claim your soul as a business loss.'

'Did I put on pantyhose for this?'

"Who would like to give me feedback on my leadership qualities?"

"I don't like these sales figures. Prepare them in another color and font and resubmit them."

'As we all know, the appearance of honesty is the best policy....'

"I take it you're not heartbroken to be leaving the firm!"

"They're embezzling funds again. I can tell by their giggling."

'I need you to sign and initial both of these. The one on the right is your annual review. The other one is a restraining order.'

"Any other skills?"

"Briggs is running our stress at work assessment."

'Oh sure...That's easy with no overhead.'

"A laptop has been installed in each rest room stall."

"That's my performance review!? Two thumbs up?"

'I appreciate recognition...but pats on the head are demeaning.'

'Absolutely, Fenwick?your bid for a controlling share of my company is being evaluated as we speak.'

'Good Lord, what is it this week? New equipment for your kid's soccer team?'

'I'm firing you, I'm also firing the person that hired you.'

"I'm beginning to really dislike Casual Fridays."

'Company rules, 1.The boss is always right. 2. If the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.'

"I believe we've found the weakest link."

'What've you got in the way of long term sick holidays ?'

"You can hold your breath all you want, Carl, but we are not going to use your budgeting plan."