Conversation Wizard Pillows

"What do you mean, I hardly moved all night? I was constantly dancing around politics, religion and the weather."

Oymoticons

"So, hw ws yr smmr?"

"Your vocabulary is enlarged."

Talk shows are great. Listen shows are even better.

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Liife! Give my conversation Liife!"

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

Sports Radio in Crisis

This reader asks, "Dear Dr. Ernie, is it true that most people need to improve their listening skills?" Sure, I enjoy the glistening hills.

"Do you have a link I can click on that removes me from all future conversations with you?"

'Thanks to his brilliant conversation techniques, Bob had the shortest calls.'

The Art of Bantering!

'The Boss is coming to dinner tonight - please don't open a can of worms again.'

"Miss. Wilcox, get me the coast."

No, boss, we still don't have an emoticon that says 'I'm laughing all the way to the bank.''

'Yes, a winky face is correcy...But in ancient times, the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written devices know as 'complete sentences.''

"Let's save some time, shall we?... Yes, no, for about five years, since I was a small boy, yes, I can start on Monday. Thanks, bye."

'Why do I always get a teaching assistant whose pronunciation is awful?'

"And she's an interesting conversationalist, too."

'Despite anosmia she fonded her penuche.'

The Town Tweeter

At 4 years old most kids can say easy straightforward sentences.

The Tangents talk it over.

"My therapist says you have to at least meet me half way."

'I wonder if TED ever listens.'

Coming Soon: The G.P.S. for Conversations

Today's alpha-lesson is called "Always Jujutsu the Suspense." If someone says "I've got a great idea" and then pauses to create suspense, that's a power-move. They want you to beg them to continue. The alpha counter-move in this case is simple. Use the suspense-monger's suspense against them: say absolutely nothing.* *This move should never, ever be applied in the boudoir.

'If you can hear me, Larry Gligstein, please send a text to 555-703-7193

"Be patient with Ed. You can skip his political harangue in 15 seconds and move right onto sports."

'Oh, that's my webcam. Probably should have mentioned that at the beginning.'

'You're entitled to one text message, 160 characters max, so you better make it count.'

'I just got a hex message from Zelda.'

"People don't understand that alcoholism is a hazard of my profession!"

'Wait, someone just sent me a hex message.'