Contraceptive Connoisseur T-Shirts

Family Planning: Contraceptives Should Be Used On Every Conceivable Occasion!

'You wouldn't happen to be sitting on my entry to the straightest runner bean competition?'

"Too much concealer?"

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

Why Cupid is not allowed to drink alcohol anymore...

'Love me little, love me long.'

Convention for People Who Like to Attend Conventions.

'Here's my fail proof way to restore a youthful appearance - a 30 watt bulb.'

"The door-to-door sales rep was very persuasive, but in my defense he only sold me one."

Pet owner pours out contents of treats for dog that are oddly shaped. Box titled: 'Funny Bones'.

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

'I know you like romantic things, so I built us this love-nest. Stuck together with my own spit.'

Bagging the Chipmunk

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"Wow! You need professional help."

'They're not reliable.'

'What d'you mean - you've changed your minds?'

'Well, as a matter of fact, I think you're a pinhead too!'

'You're right, Mr, Haskins, those were extremely 'normal' word associations. Now let's try it without the thesaurus.'

"I gave him 'the old one two' just like you told me to. But then he gave me 'the old three four'."

Wildlife Refuge

For the War Inventions Board. The Armoured Bayonet-curler for the Spoiling the Temper of the Enemy's Steel

"Chucky says he can buy and sell me."

How to Avoid Tears when Peeling Onions

'How come your notebook has a sudoku puzzle on it?'

'I ordered it from the catalog.'

Pole Jumping Collision

"If you aren't adverse to risk, I can put you in an attractive Ponzi scheme."

Anti-Litter Machine

"It speaks to my desire to spend money."

"Easy on the cosmetics, dear. Use just enough so people say, 'See, you don't need makeup!'"

'Henry wore himself out courting me.'

"Pick any three items and they're yours"

"Doggie treats are just another way for humans to control us and steal our freedom."