Contemporary Art Fans Pillows

Tracey Emin's work My Bed, alongside Marcel Duchamp's urinal (titled Fountain). Duchamp referred to his works as 'readymades'. Emin's work is 'unmade'.

"Ooh, look – a Porsche Panamera."

'He lives under the illusion that Charles Saatchi is going to barge in here someday and buy everything.'

"I think that's one of his early 'blank canvases'. I think there are some bigger ones in the next room."

'It's my homage to Picasso.' (Snowman is all mixed up with eyes and nose in odd places)

"No, ma'am. I'm not sure what the difference is between being creative or just plain weird."

Turd - 'It's one of a kind.'

Mr. Empirical With "Antarctica""Small is hostile. Rage contributes to shift away from literality. I'm off to True Value Hardware for some more self-reference tools."

Klimt Kiss Phones

"You're welcome."

Schools of Art - A Rough Guide.

'Projectile painting.'

'I can make out the nude, but I don't see the submarine.'

Pharaoh Cocoon

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

"I don't know anything about art, but this is a damned good Martini."

Giant Monster in Bath

Jackson Pollock: abstract; Picasso: cubism; Bobby: eight year old

"How do I know this isn't a performance art piece?"

Cats at private view

"I condensed my painting to the pure essence of the message. What helps me a lot is the fact that I've got nothing to say at all."

'Number two. That's the art that offended me.'

'I don't care if Jackson Pollock did start out this way. We are drawing kittens.'

'At least I never have to straighten it out.'

Pouring all emotion into his art, Pablo had none left for his face.

'I'm going to add to the confusion. I'm going to sign my name upside-down.'

"I'll give you $5 for that shirt."

The Cremaster Cycle

"Tracy Island offers palatial splendour in the safest of environments. Your beds are unmade because this is Tracy Emin Island."

'What do you suppose he's trying to say?'

'Wait, this isn't Monet's garden, it's Mondrian's.'

"By 'genius' do they mean the artist or the marketing department?"

Sold! For £42,000 to the... No wait - it's the wrong way round!

"I thought I'd add a punch line."

Art Masters as Clowns pt. 2