Contact Center Manager Pillows

'Your call may be monitored to give us a few good laughs.'

Rocket Launch Control Centre Back in 10,9,8,7,6,5,4,3,2,1

"Maybe now, we could look at customer care'?"

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'Have you tried pulling the udders?'

"May I put you on hold? I was on another line."

Pity vs. Bragging and Public Relations

"Philosophy Department. Why may I direct your call?"

All of our representatives are busy right now. Stay on the line and someone will be with you in a few miles.

Maybe it's now time to review our customer care strategy!"

"Hi, you've reached Susan's desk. I am monotasking right now, so I'll call you back it's the phone's turn again. Beep!"

"Nice talking to you too, even if you are a recorded message."

'To hear our privacy policy, please tell us you credit card and social security numbers...'

Smoking Area. Oh, I don't smoke. I'm just addicted to ten-minute breaks.

'A representative will be with you in twelve minutes... so, if you have to go to the bathroom, please go now...'

Is there a spin doctor in the house?

"Great idea of yours to offer their money back if not satisfied."

'That's the new guy. He writes our 'shuck-and-jive' press releases.'

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

"Sorry for the wait, our computers are down. We have to do everything manually."

"911, what is your major malfunction?"

'It just dawned on me that every time we make a phone call, it's a robocall.'

"Did you remember to cancel the scam phone calls?"

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

"Please stay on the line – your caul is important to us."

The Communicator

"Hello?"

'I don't want to talk to any flunkies. Put me straight through to the computer.'

The Acme Agency: Dedicated to life, liberty and the pursuit of media exposure.

"Thank you for holding. . .Your call is important to us. . .Yeah right."

"I've been kept on hold so often, I'm really developing a taste for easy listening music."

"Why have you doubled the price of oatmeal?"

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

"I suppose that's what happens when 'putting customers first' comes second!"

'The customers' suggestions make a lot of sense. I say, let's hire the customers and fire the staff!'