Considering Divorce Gifts

"Sorry dear, this feasibility study says our divorce is off."

"I am seriously considering a divorce. He believes everything I write!"

On the sea of matrimony many are over-bored.

'Difficulty getting started in the morning, stalling, various leaks, gas fumes...at this point Mrs Johnson, I'd recommend getting a new husband!'

'I've found out that my wife's lying to me. Every evening she says she's leaving me but in the morning she's still there!'

'I'm finding it difficult to apologize to you, Fred, so I'm divorcing you instead.'

Henry's wife changed her mind about their divorce.

"Ralph and I are going to stay together because of the dog."

'How many are just staying together for the kids? OK, that's good, very good.'

"Believe me, marriage counselling is the better option: with so many kids, you can't afford a divorce..."

"We started to communicate and found out we had nothing in common!"

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Past performance is not an indication of future results.'

"Agamemnon and Clytemnestra have decided to separate amicably."

"We have three house blends: 'One More Chance', 'Forget About It' or 'I'll See You In Fun Court'."

"Before you chop off my head, don't you think we should see a counsellor?"

"In lieu of a pre-nup we decided just to label everything."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I don't love you. That's it in a nutshell."

'Now what brings you lovely people here?'

"Some day, son, all this will be your ex-wife's."

"I'm voting for Stephen because I cannot stand Katie's mother, she is so catty! Anyway-- how're your parents doing with the divorce?"

"Get me this...get me that...fluff my pillow...I don't feel well...if I wanted to listen to that all day, I wouldn't have left my husband!"

"I really miss being in a committed relationship, Randy." "Which part do you miss most?" "Having someone disagree with you over what you're going to eat, or over what TV shows you're going to watch? Or do you miss having to account for how you spend your time? Or having to explain why you bought yourself something awesome without first getting permission?" "Mostly I miss the back rubs. They don't ask you to wash the dishes first at massage parlors."

Very Difficult Conversations

"We'll always have couples therapy."

"In my life, I've had seven cars, six jobs, five houses, four bypass operations, and three wives!"

"I can't believe he brought her."

"I've switched my energy provider, and I switched my broadband provider. Now I want to switch my misery provider."

"...And do you promise if you ever should divorce that you'll remain friends?"

"My wife thought the phrase 'stick it to the man' meant everyone, hence we're divorced. My new girlfriend and I met at a party. She's krazy, man. We bonded right away and now she's pregnant. It's a squeeze top. My brother's in rehab for sniffing. He never could get his nose out of my business."

"My wife left me. Then my hard drive died."

When Love In The Laboratory Turns Sour.

'Three weeks of brutal alimony negotiations, Polly, and you settle for a cracker!'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'