Connoisseur Of Vices Gifts

Tobacconist recomending cigars to a buyer

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

The Philip Marlow family

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Seven deadly sins shopping plaza

'This is a personal insult to me and my family. Paulie, word is you regifted that horse's head I gave you last month. . .'

'I think I can solve our budget problem with the color scanner, color laser printer and this twenty-dollar bill!'

"I don't like the tone of your voice. Mind if I tweak it a bit?"

'Snob, he won't eat domestic slugs, just imports.'

Crime Writer's Society.

At Mary Higgins Clark's book club.

A lot of attention gets paid to the Earl of Sandwich, and rightfully so, but let's not forget to show some respect for that neglected Lord of Lunch, the Viscount of Potato Salad.

"Just between you and me, he was a road kill."

Confession Ratings.

"You're so vein."

'I know those big money deals from NIGERIA are a scam, but this e-mail is from NEW GUINEA!'

"That's a nice little book. It didn't waste too much of my time."

Man stabbed in crime section of library, writing 'AAGH!' on piece of paper.

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

'I'm only here to pep up my autobiography.'

The Sphinx Speaks

'The 89's are very forward with meat on the nose and a lingering marrow-bone finish.'

Big Brother.

'He wants to look slightly mysterious and menacing.'

Frivolous Fraud Squad

'And to his son, he has left his Leprosy.'

'His habitues tended to be cobbers in mutches.'

"Forgive me, Father ... I forgot to take my Beano."

"This martini in canonical."

"Does this count as photo I.D.?"

You have the right to remain silent

"One day all this will be yours."

'Darn it, Marvin! Can't you do anything right?'

'If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times -- Bank robbers don't need business cards!'

Relaxation with Dick Wolf