Conflict Dramatizer T-Shirts

"He keeps calling our landlord and nominating me for eviction."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Invade/Fail/Deny

Harriet Walter

'Look Chaucer, there goes that rotten plagiarist Shakespeare again!'

Militant Pacifists

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

Out of Court Settlement

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

"Lost his first hat about nine months ago. Really tore him up too."

'Literary agency' "About your idea for a book on NATO's role in Kosovo? Russian author got there first"

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

'Want to have a snow ball battle?'

"All in favor of ending the heartache and the thousand natural shocks this firm is heir to, say aye."

'Some day, son, all of this will be your ex-wife's.'

'One day, this will make a wonderful metaphor.'

"OK, two out of three..."

"I don't suppose you could settle up before you go?"

'Knee him in the groin - it always works.'

'Heath. . . Cliff!!!'

War reporter

'When he said he loved going to Wendy's, I just assumed fast food...'

"I'm ignoring him because I took his ex's side in the breakup."

'Those with center seats in the jury box are always the last to arrive.'

Judge flipping a coin.

"He says he's not spying for China and sometimes I'm tempted to believe him."

Business of wars

The Stone in the Peach

"It's people like you, Mr. Evers, constantly living beyond your means, getting so hopelessly deeper and deeper into debt, to whom our industry owes eternal gratitude."

"Oh no. It's my ex with his new girlfriend. I'd hate him to see how desperate I've become."

"Do you think your big lottery win's going to change your life at all, dear?"