Conflict Dramatizer Pillows

"He keeps calling our landlord and nominating me for eviction."

"Objection, Your Honor! Alleged killer whale."

Harriet Walter

Invade/Fail/Deny

'Look Chaucer, there goes that rotten plagiarist Shakespeare again!'

Militant Pacifists

'Don't panic, folks! It's red ink, not blood!

Out of Court Settlement

"Lost his first hat about nine months ago. Really tore him up too."

'Literary agency' "About your idea for a book on NATO's role in Kosovo? Russian author got there first"

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

Maybe We'll Invade Another Oil-Rich Politically Dysfunctional Sort of Socialist Country. What Could Go Wrong?

'She got all the soap opera channels at a discount -- it's some kind of 'frequent cryer' program.'

'My client's defense is that the bank was an attractive nuisance.'

'How'd the negotiations go? Take a wild guess.'

'Want to have a snow ball battle?'

"Where's the fire, pal?"

"All in favor of ending the heartache and the thousand natural shocks this firm is heir to, say aye."

'Some day, son, all of this will be your ex-wife's.'

'One day, this will make a wonderful metaphor.'

"OK, two out of three..."

'Heath. . . Cliff!!!'

'Knee him in the groin - it always works.'

Get Ready for the Next One

"I don't suppose you could settle up before you go?"

War reporter

"I'm ignoring him because I took his ex's side in the breakup."

'When he said he loved going to Wendy's, I just assumed fast food...'

'Those with center seats in the jury box are always the last to arrive.'

Judge flipping a coin.

The Stone in the Peach

"He says he's not spying for China and sometimes I'm tempted to believe him."

"It's people like you, Mr. Evers, constantly living beyond your means, getting so hopelessly deeper and deeper into debt, to whom our industry owes eternal gratitude."

"Oh no. It's my ex with his new girlfriend. I'd hate him to see how desperate I've become."

"Do you think your big lottery win's going to change your life at all, dear?"