Cone Of Shame Humorist Gifts

'If it's any consolation, I'm having him fixed next week.'

"It's okay, there's no need to shout!"

"I know we've had our differences in the past but if you scratch behind my ears I'll show you where the catnip is kept."

"Fill it up!"

Dog wearing a cone

Sign at vet's says 'Cat's waiting area'. Cat says to dog with head in cone: 'Oi, mate, can't you read?'

"The vet made me wear this, and I can't lick my balls...uh...could I lick yours for awhile, Rex?"

'No need to shout.'

'For your penance, download five 'Hail marys' and ten 'Our fathers'.'

"No surgery. I'm just trying to hide a pimple."

'I committed the sin of pride. I've been gloating over how our church baseball team waxed yours.'

"I know I said, 'If there's anything I can do,' but I draw the line on licking your incision for you."

'You kids get out of this park right now and go play in traffic!!!'

Emergency Room: 'Quick! Get some ice on this injury.'

"Someone at this address is intercepting foreign hacking codes."

"Father Fondell. . . your confessional is ready."

Puppy Love

They say I get 152 channels.

'I wish I could scratch my ears.'

"I'll take it off if you promise not to pick at the stitches."

'So, you've been under the knife as well?'

"This is first-quarter projected-earnings report--does it make my butt look big?"

'I had a basketball-sized tennis ball removed from my stomach... I bet you can't top that!'

'I can't lick my itchy bum, but I have amazing hearing!'

'And this is Mr. Ferguson - He's from the Federal Department of Wedding Compliance.'

A woman doesn't realise she's speaking to a parrot in confessional.

Pizza for the priest.

Man mistakes portable table for a church confessional.

'Look on the bright side. It adds a cool echo effect to your bark.'

"Really? You're going to use that to catch candy?"

"I told you he was honest."

"You're right, you can hear the ocean."

'Wouldn't it be less of a burden on your conscience if you told the parliamentary standards committee rather than me.'