Comprehension Pro Pillows

Tripled his reading speed with no loss in comprehension.

"Would you relax? All you guys are so tense. I just wanted to tell you to your face how enigmatic I find you."

"My novel is not a doorstop!"

"You know, there are other emojis."

Super Strength, Impervious to Bullets And Explosions

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

'Dad, when do I stop being a wholly owned subsidy of you and Mom?'

I think you'll appreciate my resume. It's printed on a fridge magnet.

'This is Martins, the office I was telling you about. She's got a real knack for texting people down from window ledges!'

"These are excellent qualifications... so good that our largest competitor would gladly pay you twice as much."

"The trouble is, professor, you see the Erlenmeyer flask half empty and I see it half full."

Modern Narcissism

LOOK BHIND U!

'We need someone bright, someone quick to take notice.'

Objects in mirror bear no relation to reality.

'What else do you have going for you besides being aggressive?'

"...and before that, I was an embryo."

'Your resume states that you've worked with 2 presidents, won the Nobel Prize and climbed Mt. Everest. That's all fine and dandy, but how are you at telemarketing?'

'We're not hiring. The company is just giving me some experience conducting interviews.'

'Typical phallic egocentrism!'

"You say in your resume that you're very meticulous."

'I didn't choose art. Art chose me!'

'We don't believe a word of this c.v... And we'd like to offer you a job.'

'You've impressed the interview panel, but our handwriting analyst has determined that you're insane.'

'What's your usual response to criticism?' - 'Extreme surprise.'

'It's not easy texting messages to my mom. She's an English teacher and all she does is correct my spelling.'

"It's not the timing of our relationship that's wrong. It's the lighting."

'I'm not really a super hero. I padded my resume.'

Optimist, Pessimist, Surrealist.

'We'll be in touch. I still have to interview a few other applicants.'

'And here, the artist is clearly making an ironic statement about the fleeting nature of material possessions.'

'Does your company have a dental plan?'

'Impressive résumé. Any character references, mom?'