Compassionate Humor Fan Pillows

"According to your EKG, you are not a good hearted person."

'I'm so happy I could help you with your allergy to snakes, Miss Medusa!'

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have had him cremated."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

A Golden Non-Retriever

'Due to recent staff cut-backs and consolidations, I'll be handling your death AND your taxes this year!'

Inflation Is Up, Interest Rates Are Going Up. . . I'm Asking You To UP Your Donation.

'You must have misunderstood, dear -- I'm sure they don't sell old generals at government auctions!'

"Oh boy, by the way this guy is moving, we can assume he's got some of our friends in his pants..."

'...please switch of all mobile phones, paging devices and alarm watches...'

'Oh, just my old war injury acting up.'

Fetch the Boomerang

Bureau of alcohol, tobacco, firearms and other neat stuff.

"My reflexes are not what they used to be: This is how I catch birds now..."

Safe driver.

'Well, Mr. Harris, I'm afraid you simply care too much. You have compassion fatigue.'

"I just love take-out."

"I'd like to donate my body to comedy."

'I can't take off my clothes - I'm Missouri Synod Lutheran!'

'Don't be ridiculous, Schaumberg! -- They didn't have Burma-Shave back then!'

Good Christians should be willing to die for President Trump."

We couldn't help but notice, Mary, that you got a new fleece, and it's white as snow.

"Yep...Isn't she a beaut! And just one previous owner."

'If anyone calls, I've gone to look for Wally.'

'He's not the likes of us, Bert - he says 'whoM' with an M.'

'Perhaps I should clarify. When I told you to drink plenty of fluids...'

"If you can't sleep, try playing some relaxing human noises."

"Walt won't be at work today - he's flipped on his back!"

"This place feels huge since all my sisters went off to college."

Roland enjoyed going to the park and feeding the vultures.

'I guess everything tastes a little like chicken.'

Go on! It'll be funny!

Lost & found dept.

'What - it's just in black and white? No pictures? Man, that's boooring!'

Knight Light