Commiseration Enthusiast Gifts

"My wife understands me."

True confessions.

'Don't just sit there thinking. Meditate.'

"Nature speaks to me of God’s presence, yet God is a total stranger to the restless world of men." "Why the #!@* is there no signal?!"

"Believe me when I tell you that I'm not that honest."

Tell me about it--last night I ate a whole sleeve of Communion wafers.

"Pray only for peace, love, strength and forgiveness. Never, ever spam the Lord."

Bob tries to get off on a technicality.

"Dammit, Higgins, we don't need simple explanations, we need complicated excuses!"

"I'm good enough at making excuses that I don't have to be good at anything else!"

'A cyber-terrorist stole my homework. I have a note from the CIA. '

'Someday I'm going to tell you all of the things I've done right.'

"My dog ate my homework. Then the backup files were hacked by Russians."

'Next time you hear confession from that barmaid say, Tut-tut not COR.'

'There's a Mr Tilbin here to see you sir. Shall I tell him you're on the phone, in a meeting, or out of the office?'

Ice Cream Flavors

This Saturday 10:30 Confessions of a Window Cleaner, Doctor, Nurse, Policeman, Shop Worker, Lollipop Lady, Butcher, Baker, Housewife, Schoolboy...

'I'll tell her all about this when she gets home.'

Admissions lady: 'I don't take care of myself like I should ... my negligence probably killed a guy once ... I'm secretly attracted to you ...'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Don't get me wrong, the Church is glad to hear your confession of improper contributions, but only the I.R.S. can grant absolution.'

'Your homework got washed away with your house! A likely story young man! See me after class!'

'Boy, am I hungry. Alll I've had to eat today is some homework!'

Priests Play Good Priest, Bad Priest

"For your information, officer, I was not ‘texting’ – I was reviewing candidate applications for fellowship grants!"

"My dad ate my homework."

"I'd like to get something for my wife. Do you have any olive branches?"

"Look, they get really mad when I dig up the garden, so, can you please sign this statutory declaration..."

'I've been disrespectful again, Dad.'

"I'm against pain killers for players, but I'm for them for supporters."

The Confessional: a bored priest listens to a confession.

'Right...we've agreed to mediation to decide whether or not we go to mediation!'

Priest says to man in confessional: 'Blah-de-blah ... come on, get to the good stuff!'