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"Stick to the specials and no one gets hurt."

To Err Is Human: To Forgive is Against Company Policy.

"He's working from home today."

"Hey, this is a marathon, not a sprint."

'There's a zero tolerance policy for bringing weapon to school. Do you want to explain how this rolled up newspaper got into your locker?'

'I said she was asking for trouble, with her, 'me or your stupid old football match!''

'Went in for a simple blood test and got cloned by mistake.'

"If you're ever sick of anything and your secretary needs some papers signed, I can do your signature perfectly."

A ski jumper rethinks his decision.

"Nigel's boss told him to get in the conference photos at all costs"

'Under the terms of my divorce I have to wear it for a full year.'

'The energy company are replacing our old letterbox for a more efficient one.'

'Stand back! He's got a pig!'

'...Sure, I can tell you how to prevent getting old...You can lie about your age...You can smoke...And you can drive drunk...'

'Nothing to be concerned about -- just some stretch marks.'

'I don't know -- somehow the concept of roundness just popped into my head.'

'I'm here for making house calls to the homes of doctors at 3am.'

"You call it partial cannibalism. We call it portion control."

We'll need you to fill out a few pages of background information first, sir.

How to become the perfect waiter. Lesson 83.

'When I gave you, a 77-year-old man, a medication to reverse the aging process, I should have limited the time you should take it'!

Shark having swimming lessons 'And what are you looking at flea bag!'

'First the good nes, Mrs Wimbrell - it's not CJD. But the bad news is that your husband has TMS...'

'If you're so easily grossed out, why did you go to medical school?'

"Well... that rhino horn's doing absolutely nothing for me..."

'I was in the right, but the other guy was in karate.'

' This is 'casual dress day' Rosandich..When I introduce a 'ridiculous dress day' I'll let you know!'

The First Printed Bible

'Everything was going my way, and then they have to call a stupid writers' strike!'

'Do you find it easy not to think about alcohol?'

Did You Know That...men only use the left hand side of their brain for listening?

Duck hunter shooting angel out of the sky

Firemen ignoring a fire and staring at a girl through a window.

"Marriage is supposed to be a union."

"The economy's terrible. I can't find anything in my field." "What field are you in?"