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'Hon...Why do we have tumbleweed rolling across the living room floor?' 'That's not tumbleweed...The dog is shedding again.'

"The batteries in his TV remote died. The shock of not being able to use it for two minutes has put him in a temporary state of shock."

"If you could be any Bob Dylan you wanted to, which Bob Dylan would you be?"

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Bloody hell!"

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

"All of a dither as per usual!"

'I gotta admit it doc. . . My wife was right, a little time on the couch and I already feel better.'

"I now pronounce you man and couch."

"Can't we have 'PRESS BUTTON' to shut up the commentator's gobbledegook."

'What about you...you've been living here thirty years too?'

"It's a beautiful day. I should go for a walk. . . Oh, now my neighbors are all out there."

"Fancy dyeing your hair white so everyone could see it was you who played a shocker!"

'I'm tired of roaming the earth. Can we just stay home tonight?'

"I watched a Lassie marathon today and realized that I really need to step up my game."

"China now says it will withdraw its opposition to the missile-defense shield if the F.B.I. builds it."

"It's not just me, Dad. Amazon.com has never made a cent, either."

"Darling! We've become armchair socialites."

The Common Sutra.

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

'Ask your doctor if getting your fat butt off the couch might be right for you!'

'-but surely it's unusual to have nightmares with COMMERCIALS?'

Brighter days are ahead. I love it when I hear that in both news and weather segments of the program.

'If you want a reality check, I'll have to see two pieces of I. D.'

"God, I love this show!"

Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

TV Watch(ing) Dog for sale.

"Still judging people on stuff you could never do?"

"Just sitting here widening. You?"

Emotional Baggage Handler

Exercise vs Laxative.

Eventual Motion Machine

'You can't vote him off, dear - he's the newsreader'

"Well, if I was ambitious, we'd have a nice house and more money, but I'd never be around."

Marriage counselor: 'I say he's a couch po-tah-toe, and he says, couch po-taa-toe!'