Comedy Writers T-Shirts

'He'll not be writing any more quick-fire gags now he's crawling along at that speed, eh, Ern?'

Zombie standup

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Canned laughter for sale in Theatrical Supplies shop.

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

Writer: Humour and Tragedy.

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

Note Book

America's funniest election gaffes

“Pottery Classes – Give it a Whirl!”

'Where do you see yourself in five minutes?'

Soldiers' Ego

John Ixon: Ran Out of Survival Tips.

'...Nadine Dorries has sent you a present from Australia. She said as soon as she saw it she thought of you!'

Petty Aero Larceny - I Stealing a Dinner.

"The last doggy bag."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

Celebrity endorsements? I thought you said celibate endorsements. No wonder we're coming in under budget.

Football Delivery

"I followed the money and it led me to Edgar."

"We'll get what we need from you. Guaranteed!" "Officer Madoff, the best stool softener on the force."

Clive Anderson

'This is the vineyard the US government started 10 years ago, with $2 billion and a staff of 1,500. No wine yet, but I hear they've nearly got a slogan.'

Uncle Sam admires lipstick marks on his butt.

"Oh, don't mind us. We boo everybody."

'We have lost the video and voice audio, but will continue with the laugh track.'

"What's the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing."

"No, you moron — this is not 'serendipitous'!"

The laugh track refuses to work, but I can't see the problem."