Comedy Philosopher T-Shirts

"Mind if I tweak it?"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

Have you considered the possibility that laughter is just a defense mechanism?

'If the gods wanted us to walk upright, they wouldn't have given us calluses on our knuckles.'

"Behold the secret to happiness."

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

Here's the Weird Anti-Terrorist Trash Talk That Stayed on Donald Trump's Cutting Room Floor After the Manchester Attack

Zenemies.

Optimist

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"So have you ever stopped to ask yourself: If he really knew the secrets of the universe, would he be living in a damn cave?"

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"Give me your metabolism! Now!"

'Do you mean 'who cares what the meaning of life is,' or that 'who cares' IS the meaning of life?'

'I suppose you're entitled to your opinion, but I still say that Shemp was the greatest of them all.'

'Do you want your pie-chart with everything?'

'Let me remind you that any advice you receive is protected by copyright and I retain all rights therein.'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

"What if it's smarter than us?"

Human meat.

"Sorry - I've got to take this..."

Seneca

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

"Yes, but can your philosophical speculations on existence also be relative to why I crossed the road?"

"Hey Neil, I've got an idea - let's really freak everyone out and tell them you're quitting physics to become my new co-Pope."

"What's it all about?"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

'What do they mean 'is borer a beast of the field'?'

"I've tried Buddhism, Taoism, Transendental meditation, Confucionism, Theolog, Scientgology....but I've found a good hand rolled joint of homegrown works best!"

'This gene is necessary for experiencing pleasure when watching 'The Three Stooges'. It occurs only on the 'Y' chromosome.'

Department de Philosophie

Always let you conscience be your guide. I let my conscience be my guide, but it's non-binding.