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Plato's Dialogues & Letterman's Monologues.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"Amateurs."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

Non Thought For The Day.

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"Wilson, you're still using those training wheels?!"

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

The day that William Tell bought his first crossbow.

"But I don't have any wishes related to food or squirrels."

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

'I'm sorry, you just missed him. Call back in from 5 to 10 years.'

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."

'That isn't true Mrs. Jones, I can find my ass with both hands. And if you want me to prove it, it'll be $150.00 a day, plus expenses.'