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Plato's Dialogues & Letterman's Monologues.

"Now, how can I be of assistance?"

"Oh, great - They changed the Meaning of Life again."

"Amateurs."

A knight sent to kill a dragon armed with a fly swatter

'Democracy? -- do you REALLY want the bars closed every election day?'

"Get off the stage and get a copy of 'Studies of Laughter in Interaction'—I think you'll enjoy it."

Non Thought For The Day.

'The good news is your life sentence is about over.'

"The script isn't funny, but maybe if we put some unfunny actors in it and get an unfunny director it will be funny."

"It's tough to get him moving, but once he's going he never stops."

"Well, sir, it looks like things are getting pretty serious for Peter and Pauline."

"Wilson, you're still using those training wheels?!"

A skip full of fools.

Hedgehog holding sign saying 'the end is nigh' as man invents the wheel.

'There's nothing wrong with him-just delusions of glandular.'

"I've already made arrangements to be flushed down the toilet."

"I never saw 'Cheers,' so I won't miss 'Cheers.'"

This action stuff is okay, but try a romance or comedy next time.

"It's supposed to be a comedy, so I've had Steve, here, red-flag the funny parts."

"Dad, has there EVER been a time when James Corden was funny..?"

Shakespeare's Earliest Influences. To bean or not to bean ….. Ye Olde Limas. Jolly Goode Cukes. The Bees Peas.

"It was so depressing. When I go to the theatre, I want to be entertained."

'To begin with, he's from Mars, I'm from Venus...'

'Cohiba is written on here with a Sharpie.'

"What are they complaining about?... The local content is the audience...

Movie Rated 'R' - Audience Rates 'X'.

"Gracie, don't worry so much about your big test... You know, when I was your age, I didn't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. Until I looked it up."

The day that William Tell bought his first crossbow.

'I'm sorry, you just missed him. Call back in from 5 to 10 years.'

"But I don't have any wishes related to food or squirrels."

Bride of Frankenstein charges her phone

'I thought up the term 'too big to fail'. So where's my bonus?'

"I've been having hallucinations again, Doctor."

"I guess it's an OK job. Minimum wage plus all you can eat. I tried to quit once but couldn't get out the door."