Comedically Cynical Phone Callers Prints

You have reached the halfway point in your wait time. To hang up now would be foolish. However, to stay on the line would be equally foolish, since we lied about your wait time.

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

First we thought the apes would conquer the world...When in reality we've been busy mining the end of the world all along.

"Would you like to leave a message? He's on the throne"

'Miss Chambers, requisition me some more clout.'

"I'll cross any ocean to fight for our country! I'll travel to the gates of hell to defend our rights!"

The Nihilist Deli.

"Oh no! This chimney needs re-pointing."

"...And since the cure is worse than the disease, we can make more money by developing a cure for that!"

"Half full, or half empty? Do you want a positive spin, or a negative spin?"

Cold caller.

"I'll have to call you back. The cat looks really pleased with himself, and I gotta find out why."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

Obama builds own gallows.

'This must be the Sea of Tranquility.'

You're a man of the world, Mort. You've seen things in your time, haven't you? I've seen things that would curl your toes. I've seen dust as tall as mountains sweep across the plains. I've seen a swami mystic turn a dying beggar into a soaring dove on the banks of the Ganges. I've seen Republicans and Democrats work together to pass legislation that moved America forward. You had me until you got to that fairy tale. I've seen a time when houses cost just twice your annual income.

"But is it art ?"

'I've turned another corner in my life.' 'One more corner and you'll be back where you started.'

"If you're annoyed by answering machines, press 1. . ."

Oink.

'I'm the same as you - too sick to go into work, but well enough to go shopping!'

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"Ah, damn. Now I'll be triggered all morning."

"Oh, the usual bills and a friendly reminder from Satan that there's a special place in Hell reserved just for us, but only if we ACT NOW, blah, blah, blah."

'Instead of the usual boring campaign speech, folks, I'm going to make some balloon animals!'

"I've never hated Christmas, just people."

"Let me get this straight - You're divorcing him because of a fortune cookie message?"

This plaque commemorates the trees that was cut down to make space for this bench.

Defend the Cult of Militant Nonviolence!

"The orgasms were real. But I faked the kids."

'A conflict of interest? But that's my favorite kind of conflict.'

'I suffer. What do you do?'

Alexander Graham Bell receives his first telephone call.

'Some words of wisdom son, crime does't pay. However...business crime does!'