Comedic Couch Potato Pillows

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

"This could be a job for....Slothman. Nahhh."

"Being a lazy slob is part of my identity. Keep on nagging and I'll report you to our diversity officer!"

"This isn't what the doctor meant when he recommended adopting a Mediterranean diet."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

"He's got no clue how easy he has it compared to his ancestors."

He's in training for the rugby World Cup.

"Let's go watch TV I hear there are bowl games on."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

Needed Inventions: An Airbag To Protect The Viewer Against A Really Lousy Program.

Where the Appalachian Trail Crosses the Path of Least Resistance

"Well, the remote's not dowmn the back of the couch."

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

"I'd go with you, but I'm a non-sporting breed."

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

'It's midnight, do you know where your brain is?'

Love is when you watch television together.

"Clive used to be an astronaut."

'You don't want weather? Not a problem! How about sports, or maybe a nice movie? We can do that! Just put that thing down and let's talk, OK?'

'The anger management is working... tonight there were fewer veins popping.'

Weatherman: "Tonight's weather forecast is confusing, followed tomorrow by downright bewildering."

"Er...nothing much has happened yet today...."

'Och lye the news'

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

"Blood pressure 210/140. Heart rate 185. Steps taken 29. Sedentary 9.5 hours. Calories burned 19. You da man! Oh, and you're out of pork rinds." "Our classics TV marathon featuring 'Gunsmoke' will continue after..." "The unfitbit"

'And I want that end table for $40...' When bargain hunters crack.

'The program is stupid, primitive, embarrassing, and boring. I want to buy a new telly.'

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

"You are still here."

"Would you get me a beer from the refrigerator? Just grab one of the cans on the top shelf. Come on, I do so much for you—all these years, the walks, the food, the chases... Come on! Never mind."

Tunnel of TV

'Fixed the leg on the telly yet?'

"Let's finish off our night of being productive by starting another season."