Comedian Of The Absurd Pillows

"Crap."

"I thought we agreed you weren't going to work at home."

'I'd like two pizzas, one with cheese and pepperoni and the other with cheese and sausage. One more thing, do you deliver?'

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Mom, Dad... we found out that in a previous life, Sheila was a dog and I was a tree. That's why we decided to marry to continue this promising relationship!'

Herding lava back to the fire pit.

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

Extremely Practical Jokes.

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Bird in a chair with a human in a cage.

'Who stuck corks on all the cursors?'

'Miss Jones, take this down.'

UFO and snowman

Baseball.

Salome on Settle (also called Maitresse d'Orchestre) - intended for book but suppressed

"Marlowe filled the crooked gumshoe full of lead. He watched the smoke from his .38 coil in the air as he… mommy’s behind me, isn’t she?"

'Bad as this may look, it's actually the perfect accompaniment with your entree.'

'Ok, now if everyone could just hold still.'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

Whoever said "Brevity is the soul of wit" must have not read many tweets!

A patient, a doctor and a deep sea diver

"I would have thought you'd be pleased."

"Well, he was a lousy captain, but he sure knows how to go out in style!"

Albert should have known that cactuses rarely have change. Besides, they prefer jazz.

A Heated Argument

After his 'Activity Weekend' Uncle Reg was a changed man.

'Sorry Ma'am, but I only do palm-readings...'

'Man, this elevator goes on forever...'

'I'll pay double for half as much.'

'Thanks to Obama the Nobel Prize has lost much of its prestige. This is the third time I got one in my surprise meal this week.'

"That was one strange and confusing competition."

Shark Surfing the Waves.

"Dr. Rheinschreiber never does an appendectomy without music and dancing."