Comeback Strategist Pillows

"Now just hold on...I've pre-recorded some snappy comebacks since I never remember them during these meetings."

"Forget five-year plans. Let's just figure out how to make it to lunch."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

A desert island with a knotted palm tree

'But, Mom. Think of all the leftovers he can thankfully eliminate.'

"Honestly, John, I'm not angry! I was going to suggest you give up driving even before you hit my car in the parking lot!"

And if the ball is completely unplayable...

'I was thinking-what if the tide's OUT?'

"He's writing a novel for the first time in decades. It has less to do with the urge to create or say something new, and more to do with the fact that all his previous books are now out of print."

'I hate evolution!'

'I'm saving some for leftovers tomorrow.'

"Why can't we just have a normal home security system like the neighbours."

'Contested elections for managing partner are always going to cause a bit of upset.'

The trap

How Gary got his groove back.

Tom, you may not want to pause so long at the top of your swing.

"You will note that their ability to comprehend, assess and process information increases dramatically when Professor Podhertz throws in the cat."

"Not to quibble, Helen, but if you look up 'Pathetic Loser' in the dictionary I don't believe anyone's picture is there."

"Well, they're circling counter-clockwise, so we must be in the southern hemisphere."

"Try a new tactic, punch back."

"I know the schools are great, but is this really the house we want to ride out the apocalypse in?"

'Reinventing myself.'

'Michelle, this is your brother, Paul, do you copy? Over...Paul to Michelle, do you read me?...'

"I gotta go. I see an opening in the maelstrom."

'Some more great camouflage of the insect world.'

"Crowd-funding's fantastic but the crowd-thanking is a real drag."

'Oh, that's Dan, the congressman's right AND left hand man'

Software for the small businessman

'No thank you, I'm on a diet: I've noticed that the fat ones disappear first...'

'I think it's for compliance with some Federal safety regulation.'

"Actually, living well on his money is the best revenge."

'Another one. Do you realize that will make the third time this month we've held a fire drill?'

'...and why does it have to be MY shirt we use as a sail?'