Collecting Whisky T-Shirts

'I'm on a whisky diet... I've lost three days already!'

Scotch Whisky Torture

"For the perfect sedative, take the juice from a bottle of whisky..."

"Vintage? What would you like it to be?"

'A cheeky red?'

Wine Lady

"Umm ... not sure what notes you'll detect on your palate, but it'll get you ripped."

"OK. . .stain, aspirin, water tablet, B12 vitamin, and whisky."

Join me in a Martini?

'My luck, I buy a bottle of wine from 450 B.C. and it's still five years from reaching maturity.'

'Plastic corks, then screw caps; when they come out with a flip-n-sip Chateau Petrus I'm hanging up my tastevin.'

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

Wine Selection 'Here we are. Our cheapest house wine. Would the gentleman care to smell the twisty cap?'

Wine enthusiast tries to make his way to Cork.

'If you're having trouble finding what you want, try our other store--'Cabernet Sauvignons Starting with the Letter B'.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

"Is there any way I can un-drink this wine?"

Bernstein's got himself a driverless club

"You got maybe one that smells like cheese blintzes frying?"

'Al, that hopeless romantic, sends me love letters written in wine. I just wish he'd use red instead of white.'

God taking iceburgs with ice tongs for his whisky.

"You have a big check because you had a big wine."

"Grapes, Rye, Malt... I got into this through my vegetarianism."

'French hypermarket' ' 5 English or less' till

'That's a picture of my granddad with shoulder length hair and a beard. That's why mom calls these albums hair looms.'

"My wife commissioned a portrait of me."

true love.

Some scents are nonsense.

'Does this perfume have an antidote?'

kangaroos hopping around in a vat of grapes to make wine for Australian wine company.

I'm getting an ample full taste... I'm getting whimsical... I'm getting 'red'

"Quick swig first?"

'I've written six books on wine; owned my own winery and taught a wine class for two years. My next goal is to taste some.'

Portfolio, 2011

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'