Coffee Shop Visits Pillows

I'd like a turkeyburger combo please. Ok. What drink would you like? You don't have to yell. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I did. Are you calling me a liar? No sir, I'm not. Not at all. So you're saying I'm stupid, then? So stupid I can't tell the difference between regular talking and yelling? Ok, then. I'll have a diet coke with my combo. That's be $14.95. Are you trying to say I can't afford it?! Let me talk to you manager. I AM the manager. What's that supposed to mean?

Cocoa. Make it a double. Sure, Myles. Coming up. Here ya go. Double today, everything okay? Oh yeah, sure. What's not okay about realizing 3rd grader means a whole bunch of homework and Sally Anne Peters wanted to talk about feelings? Tell me all this weirdness ends soon. Triple on the house.

"Starbucks can have my gun when they pry this grande pumpkin spice latte from my cold, dead hands."

"If I use twitter to communicate, does that make me a twit?"

Wifi in Hell

The Coffee Shop Vats of New Jersey

You've Had Enough!

'Which wine goes best with 'the old man and the sea'?'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

How About Serving Us For a Change

"I'd say business was brisk."

"I've spent all night diluting our negative reviews on Yelp." "Really?" "Yeah. You know how you can usually tell when a business owner does that?" "They post 'reviews' that don't have even a hint of negativity." "Amateurs. Check out the negatives I include: 'House of Java Cafe. I hate it because it's so perfect, it makes the rest of my day feel inadequate.'"

Tuna Salad, Meat Loaf, Cheese Omelet and Bean Soup

"There's no such thing as free wi-fi."

Mistaken identity.

'Careful, this used to be hot.'

Dateline - Caf

"You gave me the wrong drink. I demand a total refund!!" "OK. Where's the drink?" "What do you mean? I drank it. It wasn't till I was done that I realized it was the wrong drink. The right drink leaves a different aftertaste." "You can't finish the drink and then ask for a refund. That's not how it works." "You didn't tell me that before I paid for the wrong drink. So that's on you." "That's not how it works!"

'Sorry, but we can't serve you the grande size anymore without a prescription.'

"I'm thinking of suing your cafe. I just got a $2,000 dental bill. You should be paying for it." "I'm in here every day and I always order your sugary scones and your sugar-filled lattes." "That's why I had twelve cavities!" "I'll settle out of court for a scone and a latte." "No deal."

The Stages of Coffee Addiction

Bookstore-Cafe: Used Book/Day-Old Croissants

How much for a blueberry scone? $3.25. I'll give you $1.20. Huh? $1.40. $1.45. It's not negotiable. Shrewd. $1.65. $2.00. $2.10. $2.25, but I want free shipping! Ebay addicts. $3 for your sandwich. $6.

Darlene? Rudy? I heard you might be hanging out here. I thought I'd come by just to say hello and see how you're doing. That's nice. Coffee King. I love you. Hence Coffee King. House of Java.

"I know, I know — it looks silly, but you can’t imagine how warm I am."

Hipster Coffee

I know why you're such a greedy, heartless scrooge, Armstrong. It's because deep down, you just want to be loved. But you're afraid of rejection, so you make yourself as unlovable as possible. That's the type of utter nonsense to expect from muscle-bound oaf who hadn't paid his tab in 13 years. I love you too, man. I hope you get audited.

'The doctor says I gotta cut back on caffeine. I'd better skip the bottomless cup of coffee today, Phyllis.'

"Oh, that Jane. I thought you were talking about Jane Austen."

"One skinny latte, and is that with almond milk, coconut milk, soya milk..."

"Would you like me to leave room for us to get back together?"

"Oh, great. ... My Aunt Donna is now on Facebook!"

Two cosa nostra gangsters sipping tea.

'What are you staring at? You have free wi fi here, don't you?'