Clinic Prints

'I have the treatment all figured out. It's the diagnosis that stumps me.'

"If you'd only come to me sooner I wouldn't have had to go to lunch."

"What do you want to talk about first...the kleptomania or the hoarding?"

"It's interpret-your-own-test-results day today."

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

'You're giving me a flu-shot? Shouldn't you be giving me an anti-flu shot?'

'I'm an extremely general practitioner.'

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"We probably need to rethink our revenue strategy for the practice."

'You think you have it rough. Try organizing a waiting room.'

"The doctor will now glance in passing at you."

"OK, you're going to feel a little prick, followed by a burning desire to sue me."

"Psychiatric convention"

Fertility clinic open day - Man holding balloons shaped like sperm.

"I'd consider taking out this appendix you'renot using and greatly expanding your kidney area."

Doctor and nurse having a chat.

Doctor, I can't feel my legs! I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms.

"Actually that's not the cause of your persistent headaches."

"The reason you haven't seen me lately is because I haven't been well..."

'Level with me, Doc — it's contagious, isn't it?'

"You have natural causes.''

City Clinic. A Mangled Care Facility. Yeah, but suppose it's not a typo. (Published originally on 9/1/2004.)

The Boss of the Kleptomania Clinic has turned up for work only to discover his Clinic has been stolen

"You have twenty eight days to live."

'The lab report just came in. The lab is in fine shape!'

'Morale soared when we installed the Nurf Basketball.'

"The mood Disorders Clinic is three floors up, and then two floors down."

The Fat-Free Mayo Clinic.

"He seems to have done a complete turnaround."

"Tick, tick, tick..."

'Oh! How nice! An espresso machine!'

Fat Reduction Clinic.

'Who was that masked man?'

DOH, NHS and GP

'I know a skirt-blower would save time, but I don't thing the patients would like it.'