Class Witticist T-Shirts

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

Sharp Eyes

"One can be against entitlements, and still feel a sense of entitlement."

'What?... You wanted your horse SHOD!?'

Pressing Problem

Frock Coat

"What does 'inexplicable' mean..?"

Witty T-Shirt Guy

'I used to have serfs, but I've found that free-range peasants are more efficient.'

'I don't suppose you have any grey poupon?'

'I want you to try an alternate cure for your insomnia-start watching daytime television.'

'Yes, we made something better than sliced bread and built a better mousetrap, but maybe R&D needs new blood.'

Home for the Holidays

"We'll now start boarding Group 9... Please remember your inferiority as you walk past the other groups, you cheap, dirty, cretins."

Cosmetics keep men from reading between the lines.

'The global positioning system says we're on the border between middle class and lower middle class.'

Liquor is legal, not compulsory.

'I want to open a joint account with the riches man in town. . .'

"It's not just his rapier wit that intimidates."

"Oh for goodness sake grow up Gerald. You know that just encourages them"

'He was a grateful man...just not in a good way.'

Give a weed an inch and it'll take a yard.

'It's not fair! I'm socially excluded from gang culture.'

Dog Days

People who love the supine position tend to lie down on the job.

'He'll want you to try the Winelich maneuver first, instead of the Heimlich -- it brings up the food, but leaves the wine.'

The man of the hour is the guy whose wife asked him to wait a minute.

Life begins at forty? - That's when my arthritis kicked in.

'At $87,000, I'd say this comes from the artist's I'm-milking-this-for-all-I-can Period.'

Today's memoir is more of a who dunit?

Half Wit

Curiosity was the mother of Venetian blinds.

If your too wrapped in yourself, change into something casual.