Church Time Manager Pillows

'Technically, you do qualify for five weeks of vacation, but your request for 35 Sundays off has to go under review.'

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

Before I can stop and smell the roses, I need time to stop and plant the @#$% roses.

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

'So, come back in fifteen minutes?...Twenty?'

"I managed to find a healthy work-life balance, but now there's a problem with my bank balance."

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"You do realise that the post is only part time, no more than 70 or 80 hours a week."

'It's not as picturesque as the old steeple but it's saving a fortune in electricity bills!'

"Giving is down at the church, so we are charging an entrance fee."

The Graveyard of Past Deadlines

'What do you call money that slides off the collection plate?'

Church In and Out Trays 'Lord Giveth' and 'Taketh away'

'Your wife called to remind you that you're married, sir.'

man juggling career, home and children

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

'There'll be a special meeting of the board concerning the recent generous contribution of stock.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

"Please turn to page 38 in your hymn-or-her books." The feminist cause marches on.

"Pay attention when I'm talking to you. I see your eyes darting back and forth between me and the clock."

'Getting ready for the church chili supper is bad enough without you calling it the 'Pre-Tribulation'!'

"You're correct, God doesn't need your tithe, but the church does."

"He's highly qualified to be our new associate pastor but he wants all weekends and holidays off - the same days I want off."

Holy Roller Church: We accept all denominations, but we are especially fond of $20, $50, $100, & $500...

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

'If you see the congregation start to fall asleep, could you give me a little microphone feedback?'

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

'It's an innovative way to boost attendance.'

'I'll do half of it.'

Fitness in church.

Cathedral Made Safe.

Man to Pastor: 'So, do the ushers come after me if I'm guilty of tithe evasion?'

'Of course, honey, we'll talk - I think I can spare 120 anytime minutes for you today.'