Church Humor Enthusiast Pillows

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

'The Bishop called - he'd like to see a copy of that sermon you gave last Sunday.'

'It's a devil to start on these damp November Sunday mornings - luckily we have a sidesman who works for the AA.'

"Do I have one too?"

"That vicar really knows how to put the fear of god into people."

Minister Starts at a New Church

"Good Lord, this is grape juice!"

"If you're generous when the collection plate is passed around, I'll make my sermon ten minutes shorter than usual."

Wife about mad man leaving church: 'You'll have to excuse my husband. He always wakes up grumpy.'

'Would you like seating in snoring or non-snoring?'

'We're in a same non-sex relationship.'

'It's father Donahue. While he wants to thank you for the stock certificate you left in the collection basket, he's not sure it's appropriate for the church to be a stockholder in the Red Devil Paint Company.'

"Of course I believe in tithing, I'm just easing into it."

'So you're saying that if I truly repent all my sins will be deleted?'

'God, I hate Sunday mornings.'

'Verger, give me a hand to move the font over a bit. . .'

'I hate the new vicar's cheese and wine parties.'

Impure Thoughts

Revealed: Secrets of the conclave...

Two doors at the church, one labelled cry room the other snore room.

"What do you think of our new offering buckets Preacher?"

"The turnstile will help count attendance and raise the offering."

The confessional

'Sermon - if he wanted us to eat genetically-modified food, h would have modified them himself.'

". . . plus % entertainment tax."

"I wish they'd go home so we could clean up. Go in there and take up a collection."

"God really must love the poor - he made so many of them."

"Just so you know, I tithed last week and haven't received any blessings yet."

Church Parking Space Reserved For Sinner Of The Week

Pastor wearing sunglasses against the hymns.

"Bill, as your pastor I have to insist you stop butting heads with other church members."

"A little over the top with the ash and sackcloth."

Biblical man standing in front of a bar called "Canaan-nights"

Church restrooms

"The preacher's getting a 'big head'. He's calling the congregation his 'extras'."