Church Detourist Pillows

'It's Sunday. I'm calling for a separation of church and sports.'

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Bless me father, for I have sinned...my brother did it.'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

Priest

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

"...and I, Pastor Smith...preaching to you now from this pulpit, speak to you from experience about the 'strong-willed' child...BELIEVE me!"

'Let us pray...'

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

"Sorry I'm late. I had to get a tattoo removed"

Baptism Then and Now

Pastor's Bumper Sticker: Save the Congregation

'I think I've now earned the right to wear God on my sleeve.'

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"I have an app for that."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

CCTV in church.

"Amen. Please help me up."

"Thank you. It wasn't too 'preachy', was it?"

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

'I'm with my minister father and my senator mom through the week and my senator mom through the week. I'm the ultimate division between Church and State.'

'Dad, if God rested on the seventh day, who milked the cows?'

"That was a long three hours! I didn't know you had an extended service plan."

"Did you have to go on about his being 'officially unavailable' and 'defying the nature of his masculinity?"

'I wonder if there's a message up there somewhere.'