Church Traveler Pillows

'Why can't I deduct my trip to Youngstown? I'm a youth pastor.'

'She's a very protectice mother!' - Lifeguard at Christening/Baptism.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

Kid to pastor: 'Which office is heaven?'

"Trust me Jesus, if you want to make a bigger impact work on being seeker friendly."

'Just ask yourself -- Are you better off now than you were two thousand years ago?'

Early Piety

'So it's with a heavy heart that I leave you good people of St. Paul's and accept the calling to be minister at the Sunnydell Nudist Colony...'

"Whose idea was it to start with the Hallelujah chorus?"

Revival Meeting - Simultaneous translation of all talking in tongues.

"...and for today only, you'll get 10% off all tithing!"

'Can we sit in the balcony today? Huh? Can we?'

Priest

'I'm told you've been born again, again and again. . . ?'

'... and bless all of God's creatures with the possible exception of the greenfly...'

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

Verger Works

'Let us pray...'

"Life is very fragile so we should handle it with 'prayer'."

"Can the folks in the nose-bleed section hear me alright?!"

Clown Ministry Baptism Today

"Are there any here today who feel this union is not in the best interests of baseball?"

"First time visitors should always check the seating chart before entering the sanctuary."

'We're going to start this week's sermon with a review of the basics....'

'Don't believe everything you read in the papers!' (Vicar to lady reading the war cry).

'Father James, I slept with Father Henry from next parish... Is that a sin?' - 'Of course!! You belong to my parish!'

Baptism Then and Now

"I have an app for that."

"I like to use new Bible words. Let's beseech Mom for cookies."

"God created Heaven and Earth in seven days but has failed us miserably with Brexit."

"No, the Trinity is not the Father, The Son, and the Preacher's wife."

"Amen. Please help me up."

'Seriously Vicar, I do not think you have seen this guy in the morning service!'

"As a child of the pastor, did you stop and think that just because you can belch the books of the Bible, should you?"