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"Look. Jesus healed my severed leg."

"As it says in Matthew 26-40, 'So, you had not the strength to stay awake with me ONE hour?'"

"...Can you please put a couple of pounds on the Bishop of London in the Canterbury race?"

"A reading from the ax of the apostles."

"Seats in all parts!"

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

The new piece of the armor of God, "the facemask of fearlessness."

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

Where 'Pastor'-ized Milk Comes From...

How to spot the infrequent Mass attendees.

We're willing to flee temptation, if we can leave a forwarding address.

"And almighty God said to Adam, 'Get a room already will ya!'" "Little known fact from the Book of Genesis."

'Haven't seen you in church lately John?'

"Nice to see you replenishing the font with holy water vicar."

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

'This whole Noah's Ark business sounds like a quota system to me!'

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

"Hello. I'm here to install the new pastor."

'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

'And then the Lord proclaimed, in a loud, thunderous voice...'

'Golly, is it that time already?'

Employees must cleanse souls before returning to work.

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

Speaking words of wisdom, letter B

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

'If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles!'

Excommunicate Me.

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

'A funny thing happened to me on the way to the church tonight..'

"...lettuce pray."

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."