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"Bless me, Father, for I am out of compliance...."

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'Perhaps he's heard we're losing our churchwarden.'

'You're in luck. The dog ate my sermon.'

Bored-again Christians.

'And then it happened. Halfway through your sermon, my insomnia was miraculously cured!'

'Look, Brother Timothy - a sign from God!'

'What he said about judgement day is scary. Maybe we should find a good lawyer.'

'Next time the pastor asks if you know what his sermon was about, the answer is not about three hours.'

"Sorry, I'm John the Lutheran. The guy you want lives out in the wilderness."

'Your prayers may be monitored for quality assurance.'

"I was comped."

'Golly, is it that time already?'

Sermon - why our religion is really better than yours.

"Say Jeeeeeez!"

Missing Parsons.

'What number is the hymn 'All things bright and beautiful'?'

"The Pope said nope!"

"That's how the congregation looks when I ask for volunteers."

"Just because we share a small group does not obligate me to loan you $20."

"Anyone not turning off their phones will be appointed to solicit parishioners for our fund drive."

"I really envy my left foot...it slept through his entire sermon!"

"I hear he has a reputation as a loose Canon."

"I love cats." "Typical Cat-holic."

"Turn to page 12 for our non-binary singalong."

"That was a good sermon...but I'd have settled for a soundbite."

"I'm confessin' that I love ya!"

"But if you teach him to fish, you have fed him for a lifetime."

"...lettuce pray."

"We learned in Sunday School about how Cain whacked Abel."

The sermon was so boring the Preacher put himself to sleep.

Discount Church Mart

'I recognize my incapacity to adequately fulfill the ministry entrusted to me...so I'm stepping down.'

Church: Built by Guilt.

'Tell ya what I'm not gonna miss...church every @*!! Sunday!'