Chore Critic Pillows

'Just so you know, leaning on a rake and looking at the sky is not 'yard work', and thus may not be entered into your 'I do so help around the house' defense.'

"Bah, I could've written a better dénouement in my sleep."

Cariactures

"In my house, 'dirty dancing' means it's time to mop the floor."

"I'm afraid you were drawn too big and not centered on the page."

'It's a Joan Biro.'

"From the gentleman at the end of the barre."

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

Family working together

"Billy's room gets cleaned for free! The cleaning service uses it to train employees how to clean a hazardous waste dump."

'He's not here right now. He's out pumping iron.'

Fashion Update Dryer Sheets

"Thank you, Mr. Mulvaney, but what we're really looking for is someone with talent."

'Can't you forget you were an art teacher?'

"I could do that."

Real coffee vs usual vending machine stuff

World Exhibition - At the Champs-Élysées - from 3 to 6 o'clock, great exhibition of petticoats

"She leaves wooden-handled knives soaking in the dishwater all night long. Your Honor."

'Marcus could we try it again with a little less gusto this time.'

"Well, you could wish for a new kitchen and a bathroom renovation; or alternatively you could just wish for a less idle husband."

"Apparently my writing is so bad I've been rejected by a gene editor. She said she could see the lack of talent in my DNA."

"I want an instant replay of you taking out the garbage."

'When you've finished the washing up and you're certain you've cleaned absolutely everything... you'll always find another teaspoon.'

"Well - and I'm not just saying this because you're my husband - it stinks."

"His painting is actually better than it looks..."

"Honest, Dad, somethin's wrong with the lawnmower." "You look fine to me. When you finish the lawn and pullin weeds feel free to wash the car and paint the house."

Pianist being pelted with tomatoes.

"Hey, the last thing I want to do is annoy you. That's actually ninth on my to-do list."

"The last time we ordered take-out I was up all night doing laundry."

"I woke up early, took a shower, got dressed for work then remembered I don't work today."

"If my mother and father had wanted to see Yves Saint Laurent's initials on my possessions, one supposes they would have named me Yves Saint Laurent."

Sue believed that one day she would find her soul mate - and her missing sock.

"I don't like it already."