Childproofing Home Pillows

'Well those stair gates were a complete waste of money'

A young Don King

Interior design trends for parents....

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

Impractical Guide to Having Babies: 'Sitting Up'

His first conspiracy theory...'Is it a coincidence the first time I walk, they start locking all the cupboards? I think not!'

'It's good to see that you have a smoke detector...'

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

STRIP *Community Care * Squeezing it all in before lunch

"I like to think of myself as a vital link in the homeland-security system."

"I think he's outgrown the baby gate."

Beware of teething baby.

"Peter quickly learns the limitations of his new hamster ball."

'Throw it out. . . we never use it, unless you can think of someone that might need it.'

Man carrying crates of eggs about to step on sleeping dog.

Santa hosing the Chimney.

'Hello, security.'

'You can't beat the old style security systems!'

'I know the fire's in the kitchen, but that program just irks the hell out of me.'

"Maybe this is insignificant, what with everything going on in the world, but do we have a fire extinguisher?"

'New normal' family life

"The Johnsons finally get around to child-proofing their home."

'You said to call back if the gas problem got worse.'

'Do you have anything that gets rid of unwanted salesmen?'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

While you were out

"Oh, for heaven's sake. Use the spray!"

"Did we turn off the stove?"

'I told you he was smart. He turned a potential hazard into a plaything.'

'Is your house baby-proofed?'

'Use it as an end table or, if you want, fold it out to be a fully functional anti-aircraft gun.'