Chef Humorist Pillows

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I saw my trainer eating here, and that's good enough for me.'

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Tonight I'm making spotted bass. Tomorrow night, spotted spaghetti."

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Wok. Don't Wok.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'The Burrito King.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'Your fingers are in the soup?' - 'Of course they are. It's freezing in that kitchen.'

Amy Sedaris

"Just so I’m understanding the menu, the ‘Old Forge wheel with rosemary-infused pancetta’ is essentially a $36 Hot Pocket?"

When Tia Carmen says... "It's time to eat healthy!" it means... "I'm only using one stick of butter instead of three."