Chef Humorist Pillows

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

'I saw my trainer eating here, and that's good enough for me.'

The Good Feud Guide - 'Delia Smith does a nice roasted Worrall-Thompson.'

"Tonight I'm making spotted bass. Tomorrow night, spotted spaghetti."

"This IS a chicken fried steak!"

'I think the salmon is thoroughly smoked.'

'Mildred-thy milk runneth over!'

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

"That's it. We’re toast."

Soup of the month.

Wok. Don't Wok.

"You're lost. This is Mom's apple pie."

It turns out they don't go together so well,

"Waiter, can you heat this up? The wild salmon got cold while I was posting it to Instagram."

'I think I'll go home and eat'

"Your soup is delicious. The broth perfectly compliments the font."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"All the butter was gone. There was no way out. The puff pastry had to be made with margarine... from a tub."

'The Burrito King.'

'I used to think I was the only one kids hated... I don't know what I'd do if it weren't for you guys.'

"The meatloaf just tapped S.O.S. in Morse code."

"No thanks, I'm stuffed."

"That’s a toaster. It’s a tanning bed for bread."

'I was in the catering corps.'

'Hey, pal... do you have a wine that tastes like beer?'

"What do you suggest...the tuna fish or the peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich?"

I don't know what happened to the poor guy, but he's visibly shaken.

"Bottled, tap or toilet water?"

'The following programme contains scones of a sexual nature.'

Where Deviled Eggs come from

"What happened to the thin crust guy I married?"

'Will I have to be a mum when I grow up?'

'How do you stop a fish from smelling?'

"The Knuckle Sandwich is good."