Check-up Champ T-Shirts

"The doctor will be in soon. Hang your clothes and any sense of modesty in the closet."

"Don't be embarrassed. Most heroic archetypes your age have lost the ability to swashbuckle."

'The doctor's gonna have to wire your mouth shut for a month... but guess what! If you're brave, I'll give you this lollipop when he's done!'

'Reflexes seem normal. You kept him waiting over two hours.'

I'm trying to read your test results from urology, but their server can only stream them a little bit at a time.

'He licked all my tongue depressors.'

'I'm even starting to watch Lifetime.'

'Who wants to be examined first?'

"The saying Use It or Lose It isn’t referring to one’s appetite."

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

'You've still got the right stuff, only now it's in the wrong places.'

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

"Looks like you've been renewed fro one more season."

"The cape comes off too."

'I suppose the word 'patient' is used because that's what you have to be!'

"If it's nothing serious' why did you put on five pairs of gloves?"

"So what brings you in today?"

"I thought I'd give Western medicine one more chance."

'Great news, Methuselah Tests show you'll live to be 100!'

Prostate Exam Second Opinion

'His next appointment is on the 17th when the clock's little hand is on the two and the big one's on the nine.'

'But I think shopping three times a week is more than enough exercise!'

Full System Scan

"Take up some light exercise or a sporting activity - as a football perhaps."

"Is this your husbands first flight?"

"Good news, Mr. Pickett—it's just a slow leak."

"You're flying a little bit right now, aren't you?"

"You're carrying a lot of tension in your neck."

Patient to Doctor: 'This may hurt a little.'

Patient sees smiling doctor and mean-looking doctor: 'Oh, I get it ? it's the old good cholesterol/bad cholesterol routine.'

'You're not totally out of shape - you have a very muscular tongue.'

"Smoke, drink and womanize as much as you like but don't forget to update your will..."

"I just want to know if I'm healthy enough for bacon?"