Chat Connoisseur Pillows

You know how you can reach your character limit when you type something on Twitter? Well, that can also happen in life. It's happened to me. I've run out of character.

Reading my Critics

'I'm going to refer you to a specialist in that yucky feeling.'

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

'Help! I'm wired and I can't get up!'

He acts all cool and feral until the can of food comes out. Jingle jingle jingle.

"The anger management consultant said he wasn't going to alter his **** dates at this t****stage which fits in with the 'managing change' consultant who said it was to late to change her plans..."

Men gossiping

The writers group met every Tuesday for support and fellowship.

"I guess when your husband dies you'll really understand what they mean by a statistical death."

'The bigger they are... The harder they hit!'

'This program is geared towards the youth market. You give it up to five commands and it closes down in a huff!'

Counselor. It's annoying that he always has to have the second-to-last word

"No, no, that’s in a bar, Mr. President — you can talk politics and religion here."

"Nope! He'd never set eyes on a water cooler in all his years in the office!"

"I like them. They hate the same things we do."

Trappist talk show.

STRIP Hambone: Computer addict

Go on! Pick a card.

"We should probably talk about the elephant in the Roomba."

White Wine Wisdom (2)

Bookshop: Our Bestsellers - Empty Phrases

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

"The first three chapters read like they were written by some guy on a couch."

Barbed Pen

Can I ask you a question, man-to-man? Sure, little buddy. What do "man-to-man talks" usually consist of? What? I've never really had one, I don't think. What usually goes into them? Sports? Shaving? Carburetors? A little of this, a little of that. There's a proper ratio, of course. I'm not good at math.

"I said, you know why women talk more than men?" "What?" "I said, you know why women talk more than men..." "What?"

"Just one question...how on earth do I get down?!"

"They must be having a two-for-one promotion tonight."

"I would never do a nude scene, unless the part really called for it."

'Yeah, but this time she just said no -- there wasn't any hysterical laughter!'

'Look on it as... constructive criticism.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Snow White and the Seven Dorks.

Man sleeping with newspaper at gentlemen's club