Champagne Conversationalist T-Shirts

"You can't be too thin, too rich or too catty."

"First, I sent a rocket of a drive down the fairway, then I took the 7-iron, put that ball on the green...a hundred and eighty yards if it was an inch..."

'May I suggest a pleasant viognier to put the subtext into gear?'

'Casual Friday's never caught on in this department.'

"Now can I be in one of your comics?"

Student: 'Is the medical marijuana thing a grass-roots movement?'

"I understand it all started when he ordered extra toppings on a pizza."

'Join us. There' a talk on medical marijuana and a pot-luck dinner afterward.'

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

"Bob's into politics. Date Night is more like Debate Night."

"The only thing that still works well for me is hysteria."

"I'm using my married name right now, but I'm keeping my maiden name on ice, just in case."

"All the good ones are neutered."

Nice Old Ladies Tend to Look at the Bright Side of Things: 'As kids my brother and I took turns beating each other up!' 'Well, I think it's wonderful when kids take turns!'

'Whoa, Buddy, I think you've had enough...'

'I'm very good at what I do...as long as what I do is being overpaid.'

"The hardest thing I've ever done as a homing pigeon was to leave home, but you see, I really wanted to travel and see the world..."

"Behold, as I guide our conversation to my narrow area of expertise."

The Ly'in Starts Here.

"I, too, want to preserve the environment, just as it is: acid rain, holes in the ozone layer, lots of crap in the air."

"This call is monitored for quality. Try to keep up your end of the conversation."

"Mother, I'm so sorry — I totally forgot to bring you."

"It's a lovingly handcrafted beer, citra and summit hopped, with notes of lime, passion fruit and ...."

Books 'n' Coffee

'Yes that's right I ordered 2 doubles. Why, did you want a drink too?'

"You're not holding up your end of the conversation."

"Hey, this is on me!"

'You must assert yourself more.'

'Nine out of ten doctors think excessive drinking is bad for your health.'

"What it is is, life's a b**ch, a bowl of cherries, a treadmill, a rat race, a journey... a metaphor, that's what it is."

"I'm filled with the holiday spirit. Single malt scotch."

"How does drinking help with your brainstorming ideas?"

'Which choo-choo train is appropriate?'