Celebrity Expert Pillows

'Oh, puh-leeze...Demi Moore? She doesn't even know you exist...Ok...A restraining order proves she's aware of your existence, but...'

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

Benedict Cumberbatch

Meanwhile in Hollywood

The Life and Times of Miley Cyrus

'No. . . I'll never spend £400 on a haircut. . .'

'Has Oprah ever been married?'

Hollywood Breakup

Leo McKern

"All the celebrities come here."

Larry King

"Remind me - if I'm no longer a footballer, and you're no longer a celebrity. . . why are we here?"

CELEBRITY NEWS TEAM"Now here's Frank Sinatra with the weather."

Don't touch that dial! — We're experts, and we know what you should be watching!

Morgue - "Welcome to 'Celebrity Autopsy'"

"You played yourself in your last picture. Everyone found it unconvincing."

Meryl Streep

John Stride

'Man, I'm age 21 now and so far, I haven't done anything important. Things can't go on like this or I will have to forget my plan to become rich and famous by writing my autobiography at age 35!'

Weditorials

“So let me get this straight: George Clooney isn’t your leader?”

'I preferred her in the margarine commercial.'

Viggo Mortensen

Science Journal. Editor. Ernie, we need a headline that will interest the general public in our artificial supernovas. "Big stars involved in nasty breakups"! (Published originally on March 2, 2009.)

'I'm a has-been celebrity - get me in there!'

'We know you are a serious actress..'

Complaints clerk to consumer: A hair in your TV dinner? Maybe it belongs to a celebrity!

Whoopie Goldberg

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

Walken On Clouds

Emma Watson

'That's right...his appendix...and it's pure dynamite! Don't you see? It'll be the ultimate insider celebrity memoir!'

Daniel Day Lewis

What brings you to therapy, Mr. Groupeé? You can call me "Booster." Dr. Noodle. Hey, who was that who just left your office? Was that that historian I saw on TV? Herodotus Jenkins? I can't say. He's the best. He come here this time every week? I can't say. And who's that out in the waiting room? Is that Brock Manly of "Fast & Furious 12" fame? I can't say. What brings you here? I heard you treat all the famous people. I just thought it might be nice to know the rich and famous are as messed up a