Carpentry Humorist Pillows

"I think we have carpenter ants."

Jack of all trades

reincarnated worm...

'Get the net ready, Alice. I think it's a big one.'

"Measure twice, cut once...and curse three times!"

This will be an environmentally sound house built entirely from trees that fell over naturally from old age.

'You've reached McWit Quality Construction. If your foundation has cracked, press 1, if your plumbing is leaking press 2, if your house is collapsing, press 3 ...'

'I don't know what he gets up to in there, but it keeps him busy.' (Noises are recorded, man reads paper, has beer.)

Do it yourself books.

'MY husband made the coffee table out of an old door.'

'I suppose you want Polly to forget she heard that.'

Crew Goofs Off While Out Of Sight

"...for a canal I thought that was unusually short."

'Where do I put the batteries?'

'Sure you won 'Contractor of the Decade' five times, McWit, but what have you done lately?'

Li'l Bill meets destiny.

D.I.Y

"So, how did the audition go?" "Great! I really nailed it."

"That's the last time I buy a dog from a cartoonist."

Captain Hook getting his hook stuck in the rail, again

Guide to Carpentry Fish

Hammer and chisel discussing what they've been doing, chisel says; 'Oh you know, getting into a few scrapes.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Whittler's Mother.

"This crew gets 15 miles to the pound of gruel. They're very fuel efficient."

'Now there's a real pro! He can even nail while power napping.'

"Will thee not sayeth uncle?!"

"Captain, we've taken on strippers."

Dave cut costs and now realizes that in order to pass inspection, he may have to arrange a marriage between his daughter and the building inspector's son.

'It was this big. I swear'

'My building inspector just doesn't understand me.'

'The hard hats? In case of falling interest rates.'

'I need a hive with 50,000 bedrooms.'

You're right, it's the house next door that gets the new window.

"How can you feel queasy, we're barely out of port."