Card Swiper Mugs

'Sorry. In the time it took you to get out your credit card the price of smokes went up another 30 cents.'

"I met him on an online dating site. He was on their 'return' section."

"Textin’"

Turtle Hat

"It's crazy here! They're all on recreational rugs."

Menu Dating

"Swiping won't cut it sonny-boy, you have to physically walk to the next painting."

Bingo night.

"Okay, I'll renew your contract and raise you five sick days."

'They say that poker is a sport. I hope they don't start testing for steroids.'

"Blast, you've cleaned me out again!" Grey squirrels out competing red squirrel for food.

'What do you mean - you 'LET him win'?'

"I wish I could lay there all day watching funny cat videos..."

How would Madam like to pay?

'Why do you always win at cards but not horses? I can't shuffle the horses.'

Worm Bed

The waterslides are fun, but the water seesaw, not so much.

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

Mice taking lessons.

Free Little Library

"You have such beautiful eyes."

"Hey—no cheating!"

Magicians monkey.

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

Who Typexed out the grass?

'I think I'll raise.'

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

Fertility Clinic - "Who wants to be mother?"

"You should have said you only wanted a trim. . . I'd have sent you to the barber next door."

'Does your phone have a scanner thingy? I've got a barcode on my butt if you want my number.'

"Can't you read? Our shipment is late."

'... Geez! This guy's got the poker face from hell.'

'He was wearing his heart on his sleeve.'

Cheese Call Center

High Stakes Texas Hold 'Em