Car Journalist Pillows

US v.s. Tech Giants

'No, don't tell me, your electric garage door is broken.'

Please stand by. As stocks soar, our announcer is having a fit of the giggles.

"Today stocks hit a new high, just as global doom and gloom hit a new low."

'And for those of you calling in to say he is behind us - OH NO he isn't.'

'In the belief that no news is good news, today's financial report has been cancelled.'

'Stocks rose on news that '90% of success is just being there.''

'I today's market news, Greed roared back.'

'Today, stocks rose on the news that the more people have, the more they want.'

August is corporate earnings restatement season.

How should I know up or down? All I heard was the FT was 74.95.

US economy outperforms Europe.

"I understand your feelings, dear, but don't you think that Jane Pauley would just as soon see you keep your strength up?"

'Today, stocks dropped on the rumor that 'down' is the new 'up'.'

'Nice smile.'

"If all countries are in debt, who's got all the money?"

Jewellers - Show her you love her.

'Consumer confidence is up.. in the 'Money in the mattress' sector.'

Damning report claims that CEO's are overpaid for under-performance.

"Whack him. And if you can't whack him, redact him."

Morgue for Dot Com Stocks

'But enough about the dollar . . . lets talk about the Chinese Yuan and Indian Rupee . . . '

'Greenspan said today the alert status for possible interest rate changes has been reduced from orange to yellow.'

What Hi-fi. What Camera. What Car.

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

"This is Sally Whitgart on TV -- We now switch you to Bart Fribledale on the Internet...."

'In a dramatic reversal, economists now believe that leading economic indicators are now lagging economic indicators.'

The Photographer

Stock Market Downturn

"I won't go near one of those driver-less things until they iron out the bugs."