Car Chatter Gifts

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

"Give her some space! She's overdosing on baby talk!"

'Your tweets have quite a following.'

'Thanks mum, it's just what I always wanted!'

"At least their bull sessions are green. Everything they say is 100% biodegradable."

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

Hot Line

'Are you in here tonight?'

'From the Mouth of Arthur Baskin.'

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

Auto Assembly. Ernie, I think they fired you because you were assigned to the assembly line but ere often at the high-speed test facility. I'm ambitious. I wanted to be on the fast track. Why did you remove brakes from cars? An article I read said that to achieve success you should "pull out all the stops." And I unnecessarily drove cars around the plant to show the bosses that I'm willing to "go the extra mile." But why did you refuse to deliver components to the assembly line? The arti

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

"I was like 'OMG,' and she was all 'No way', and I was like 'Yes, way', and she was...uh-oh, gotta run."

Voting on their Seats

"I'd love to talk. I'm on a train!"

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

Well look, I'm afraid I really must run...

"Let's not spoil it by keeping score."

"No problem, B. J. I can talk and baste at the same time."

"The brakes still feel spongy to me."

"We had him neutered,"

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

New Space Shuttle Mission: Deployment of the First Orbiting Telemarketer

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

MAN OF THE YEAR, 'You must come here a lot.'