Car Chatter Gifts

"They said it had a V-8, so I assumed it would run on tomato juice!"

Dog FM. (Man blowing dog whistle into radio microphone).

'I don't understand: I lick the plates clean, but Mistress still puts them in the dishwasher afterwards...'

"Give her some space! She's overdosing on baby talk!"

'Your tweets have quite a following.'

'Thanks mum, it's just what I always wanted!'

"At least their bull sessions are green. Everything they say is 100% biodegradable."

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

Phone solicitors like customers who are afraid to hang up.

"Well I got a dog because I wanted to spend more time brushing hair off my clothes, and picking up poop."

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

'Please don't encourage them: Stop trying to communicate with them...'

'From the Mouth of Arthur Baskin.'

Hot Line

"Could you repeat all that, I lost you at 'good morning.'"

'Are you in here tonight?'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Can't you tell people about our new swimming pool without saying I've 'gone off the deep end?''

"You are sooooo 'grazed!'"

"I'd love to talk. I'm on a train!"

'I'm having trouble with drinking. . . I'm getting Arthritis in my elbow.'

'Normally I don't mind regifting but on occasion you get back the same hideous thing you tried to get rid of.'

Well look, I'm afraid I really must run...

"Let's not spoil it by keeping score."

"No problem, B. J. I can talk and baste at the same time."

"Looks like Amazon is going to start delivering babies."

"Remind me what I was talking about—I wasn't listening."

'I tell you what: Mistress' lap was so much more comfortable before she started her diet...'

"We had him neutered,"

"I saw the guy who cut me off on the highway get pulled over by a police officer!"

'No, I don't like them, their shirts make me look fat.'

New Space Shuttle Mission: Deployment of the First Orbiting Telemarketer

"We did everything possible, doc, but I'm afraid your car passed away during the night!"