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Police Canteen

LAY ZEE FUK

"Enough with how great the public schools are. Just tell us – is there a Trader Joe’s nearby?"

Drink for me and my hot mamma. Now! We don't serve beer. Latte. Two, punk! Decaf. You don't want to see him angry. Also, low-foam and soy milk would be great. You don't want to see him gassy. Can I get one of those little Twizzler sticks to stir it with? Cube of brown sugar, please. And one nonfat blueberry scone! Two! I'd like to see how John Wayne would've ordered a fancy coffee drink.

'Do you realize that we're sitting in a prefabricated house, eating precooked dinners, and listening to Chris Matthews' opinions?'

"This place is famous for its short fiction about food."

'Someone's been tampering with this chicken. It tastes like chicken.'

Cafe Burns.

Coffee

Swallows returning to Cappuccino.

'Chili again?'

'Oxford, Cambridge, Redbrick, Poly . . .'

Office Canteen: 'Getting in a consultant is win-win for us... we'll get the credit if it's a success - but, if it all goes wrong, we've got someone else to blame!'

'Careful, this used to be hot.'

"No, we don't have field to plate provenance for each bean."

'Your tea is getting cold.'

I've got to monitor all chatter in the cafe to prevent future pastry thefts. I don't know … What if you've got a scone thief for a neighbor, or a friend, or even a family member? Sure, today it's just a scone. But the next attack could be huge – the big one! You don't mean … Hoagie. They're trying to destroy our whole way of life.

Holy Ronald Reagan. Do you see who's come into the cafe? Reagan? No, it's Johnny Spinwell. The king of spin! Who? Consultant to politicians, stars, lawyers, corporate execs. No one finds the bright side like Johnny. Pea brain, you stepped on my toe. I got your circulation going to save your heart.

"Oh -- I've got one! If you could have dinner with anyone from history, living or dead, who would you have cater it?"

'You made me jump,'

From now on, coffee is fifteen dollars an hour.

I like the look of the sherry trifle!

"... with a side of brown rice, right. And can the delivery guy stop at the pharmacy and pick up my prescription?"

'Henderson, Sir - marketing.'

'Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday you like beans, now you don't like beans.'

"My depression is currently being treated with a combination of prescription medication and low-fat frozen yogurt."

"This conversation is being performed in front of a live audience."

'You're in trouble. Your confidential memo went toxic and so did that tuna salad.'

Bookuccino. A melding of book and drink.

"Here's your... neti pot... to share..."

"And that makes 6! That should be enough to cater for the function tonight. . ."

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

'A cafe is just a failed restaurant really, isn't it?'

A turning point in the fight against rampact secularisation: the cafe priant.

'MILK FIGHT!'