Canning Critics Pillows

'You know, after a long hard winter, I just HATE eating out of cans.'

'They help with my nicotine patch addiction.'

"What do you mean 'sitting is the new smoking'? I thought fat was the new smoking?"

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

But does he dust anything at our home? Noooo

Music Hall Dancers

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

Welcome to Hell - No Smoking

"The catch of the day is halibut. The day it was caught was last Tuesday."

'Lovely soup, just like my mother used to open.'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

Schoolgirl in canteen: 'The food's great but I wish they'd stop calling it 'pukka tukka'.'

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"Love it! 'People of smoke' instead of 'Smokers.' "

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

'If only you would let me cover this Tofu-vegetables stuff with ketchup, it would at least LOOK like real food...'

Down with canned laughter.

"And then in Italy Paola's collection of canned tomatoes is unrivaled"

Fresh Fish

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

"My compliments to whoever opened the can."

Tennessee Fascist Book Banning State Licence Plate

Give up Smoking!

Maybe you would have less of a problem with flies in your soup if you didn't have landing strips attached to your bowls.

And this is one we made earlier.

Trump dries his hair with hot air

More New Cereals For Kids

"I can grant you any wish you desire except for making sure the ice cream machine always works at McDonald's."