Canine Clairvoyant Pillows

"Bad news - you're going to be neutered."

"I want him to have the serenity to accept the things he can't pee on, the patience to pee on the things he can outside, and the wisdom to know the difference." "But I'll probably just take him to a trainer."

"There's really not much to obedience school. Just listen up and do what they say."

"For the girls—Kimberly, Caitlin, Lauren, Cindy, and Tracy. For the boys—Cameron, Christopher, Adam, Jeffrey, and Gregory."

"When I first arrived, Young Master was always with me and Old Master didn't want anything to do with me, nor it's the opposite: Go figure..."

"I'm not growling, it's my stomach rumbling!"

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

"Ever feel like even when you're barking at something you're still barking at nothing?"

"I've told you why I need a dog. Now suppose you tell me what makes you think you might be that dog."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

"Don't even think about it."

"Are you happy with your current ball?"

"I've been calling, but he's not picking up."

"Then he suggested we go to a leash optional beach."

'...and I know exactly how to interpret his barks.'

"You are going to have lots of puppies."

Pet owner hanging Obedience School diploma

"If you could live your life all over again, what dead animals would you roll in?"

"When I get to heaven do you think I'll get my testicles back?"

"I'm not a mad dog. But I'm not particularly happy either."

They say animals have the sixth sense and the talent to look into the future...

"I just don't get it, they don't do it themselves, so why do they insist on us sitting before crossing the road?"

If dogs were psychiatrists.

"Really? Everyone we hang out with we also met through our puppies."

Dog and man on couch

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

Psychic car mechanics.

"He's sending an instant message."

'He says he's tried sending you tweets but his cell phones keep melting.'

"I can remember when he used to try to tell us things."

Vet to angry-looking dog: 'You ate some crabgrass, eh? Were you self-medicating again?'

"Give him one of these 3 times a day and tummy rubs as needed."

"Shhh - he's trying open his third nostril."

'I heard my master say I was getting fixed...I didn't even know I was broken!'

"I had no idea. You mean I'm a dog?"