Campaign Trail Traveler Gifts

"Senator, you've got to keep a straight face or they might start to catch on."

GOP exaggerating scale of immigration, inflation and crime rates

'I would love to run for class president, but I'm concerned about the vetting process. I once faked sleep during nap time in pre-school.'

LAST-MINUTE CAMPAIGN STOP

Tony Blair

'It's not my job to worry about the 47% of Americans who are irresponsible. Wait I didn't state that very elegantly. It's not my job to worry about the 47% of Americans who are irresponsible.'

Donald Trump

Cruz and Fiorina: DetesTED and DetestETTE

'Remember when the worry was over little swift boat attacks?'

'Oh, we could reduce the deficit, but it'd just leave stretch marks.'

Stephen Harper on the attack ads.

"The last thing that I intend to do is to stand here making a display of my patriotism."

'It's my job to teach you to grin like ike, and damnit, you will grin like ike!'

Race to the presidency.

"Hi from the US Supreme Court conservative majority...we hope you're all enjoying this campaign season!"

"If reelected, this time, I promise not to procrastinate for four years and then try to get all my governing done in one epic all-nighter."

VOTE!, 'If elected, I'll sponsor legislation for a $10 billion study of Government hypocrisy!'

'The press is calling you overconfident. Stop using ‘Hail To The Chief' as your ringtone.'

"We all know the Senator's position regarding term limits."

'Not only have I never been a Congressman, but I've never even set foot in Washington!'

You're suffering from pre-election fever brought on by competing promises.

"Slogan."

'Well, I see that Senator Zwecklos has found a loophole in the Campaign Finance law.'

Trumpelstiltskin: "I can spin straw into gold."

Campaign 2010.

"The Blueberry Bagel, having triumphed on the East Coast, heads West."

"Don't forget now. Don't knock 'those people in Washington' anymore. Those people in Washington are now you!!"

TRUMP

"Dad has promised that if he becomes President, we'll get a dog."

"None of the candidates - not one - talks about health insurance for use."

'Yes, I broke that campaign promise, but it was never NOTARIZED!'

"Oh, my mother's learned a lot from this campaign. She sends me five robocalls a day."

'There's a democracy in here somewhere...'

"So is there anything apart from us stopping being 'a bunch of cynical dishonest lying hypocrites' that would help us secure your vote?"