Calorie Sleuth Pillows

"My scale certainly has no problem finding those hidden calories."

British savings accounts

"Wait a sec, I have a coupon around here somewhere."

'And I want that end table for $40...' When bargain hunters crack.

"So much for password protected."

"Dad, wouldn't my allowance be better off earning interest in a tax free municipal bond fund?"

"...I should have seen it coming...The busboys, the waiters, the dishwashers, the maitre d', all stealing shrimp, caviar, lobster, but ah, the strawberries, that's where I had them?"

'It took some doing, but I finally traced my roots back to the first amoeba.'

"I've been told to go through all our expenses...cut out any fat, get rid of any costly perks!"

"Oh, there will be an investigation!"

Hot dog.

"It's two sizes too big, but it fits."

"I'm trimming the fat around here, Bailey, and I'd like to see you lose $75 per week"

One young wife asking another if she finds it more economical to do her own cooking.

'If you haven't been taking your vitamins. What have you been doing with them?'

'You're lucky you can't read.'

'It appears that 'reduced fat' means high fat, 'lo-fat' means plenty of fat, and 'fat-free' means some fat.'

'You must have something in my size?'

'OK, remain calm. Who's missing? Milk? Eggs? Cheese? Where'd they go? How much do they know? And will they talk?'

'Lecture on inflation, was £5, now £9.'

The Body, Inc. Sounds like a good idea but we should run it by the DNA department first.

'Dr. Fenton discovers a new killer cell.'

A measured response to the budget speech.

"We shouldn't have sugar, wine, beer, cake...we may not live longer but it sure will feel as if we do!"

P.O. Boxes. It's from the IRS --- It seems they've declared my savings account to be in the public domain.

Excess Baggage: Some folks believe that calories consumed during vacation do count against your diet.

"Murder, eh? They nabbed me for bargain-hunting without a license."

Cut Your Bills In Half.

"Apparently, some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but others cure it."

Magnifying the Euro

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

'This is our environmental policy officer.'

'A giant killer macrophage! Doctor, this is madness!'

"What the heck!! These cells aren't dividing, they seem to be moving closer together??"

It turns out celiac disease is thousands of years old. Yet I still never heard about "gluten" till recently. What do you think that means, Randy? It obviously means big wheat has some explaining to do. They must've altered the grains. I don't know. Maybe it's because our environment has gotten cleaner. So since our antibodies haven't had to work as hard, they've gotten weaker. HOJ. If there's one thing you'd know about, little buddy, it's atrophy. We should have our own science show.