Calorie Joker Gifts

'I found a loophole in my diet rules.'

'Calorie averaging...with the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get...one French fry.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

'It's the chef's special. His wife just had a baby.'

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'I'm going to try that 'vegan' thing, Joe -- give me some beer nuts.'

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

'Cut down on sodium? I'm taking that with a pinch of salt.'

E=Emcee Squared

'The doctor said my body is 40% fat. These cookies are only 20% fat. That's got to help.'

"Eat more pizza and doughnuts and stop exercising. Just kidding, you should see your face!"

"Yeah. I'm into fitness. Fittin' dis whole sammich in my mouth."

"The chef will accommodate gluten-free requests, but only with a note from your doctor."

"You're right. The sunscreen does taste like ranch dressing."

"What, exactly, did you say to the maître d'?"

'Yes, chocolate moose.'

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

'I'll have the diet special followed by a triple helping of chocolate sponge cake.'

"Just keep your eyes closed - it'll only upset you."

"You can eat all the cake you want and still get into heaven."

"An apple? Doesn't he have any pizza?"

'The test results are in. We've ruled out anything cheap.'

Jim's Smart Kettle

Chocolate Munchies. Only 100 calories...' awesome!' - '' - 'Runchy! Rurrgh!!' - '' - 'Oh, hold on. 100 calories per Munchie' - '' -

'Yes, I'd like the chef pan-fried, marinated in his disgusting sauce and charcoal grilled.'

"Pecan pie with rum-raisin ice cream is the best revenge."

"It's a wheeble or some such thing, but still no sign of a deoderant."

"If you have one more round it's considered a main dish."

'I thought you needed some exercise, so I packed 800 pounds of weights in your backpack.'

"You know I always sit there for my keep fit programme!"

"I brought chips and cookies to snack on and baby carrots to sit unopened on the blanket."

"I recommend the salad, fatty"

"What is this one - 'Two egg surprise'?"