Business Satire Buffs Pillows

'I won't say you're fired. Let's just say maintaining your employment status is not consistent with our long-term institutional objectives.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"This is a merit-based organization! Can't you see I’ve hired the very best and most qualified yes-men money can buy?"

"We need to make some cuts. We'll start with integrity, accountability, openness, and transparency."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

"We have an acronym!"

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

Non-Power Breakfast

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

"He'll do anything to say in power."

"I was a lot happier with the elephant in the room."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'